Reignite

The time has come to reignite!  I've never lost my love for Amsterdam, but have allowed fear of a different life and different circumstances to chase away the desire to transition into living and volunteering in Amsterdam.

I'm excited about the prospect of going.  Right now I'm doing what I need to in order to get my finances in order.  Then, in a year's time, I plan to be on my way to my lovely home across the Atlantic for the most scary thing I'll ever do:  live away from my comfortable life, family, and friends.

So much will change here in that time, and I'll change so much while I'm gone.  However, I have no doubt that life is going to be amazing once I'm settled in.  Sure, I'll probably hate the first month, but in the end I trust it'll be amazing.  God provides in the weirdest ways sometimes, and I trust he will provide for me in this time of preparation, and upon my arrival.

I wrote in a journal recently that my head is being called to adventure, my heart is being called home to Amsterdam, and my spiritual call is to follow Him, no matter where I am.  Being surrounded by Christians from around the world and learning about how we are all different but our God is the same, is going to be amazing!

The time has come to reignite!  Here's my hope:  in a year's time, I'll be in Amsterdam, surrounded by love and wonderful people, and feeling absolutely at home and at peace.

Everything, this journey, begins NOW!

Here I go....  

A little something from my darker days:

They all walk on the pier, invisible to one another. Heads sunk, they catch glimpses of the raging water below and wish to dare to feel as powerful as the tide. Tingles surge through them when the invisible try to bring them back, yet they only stop momentarily confused and continue, body returning to numb. Their secret desire is to slip through the boards of the pier, for in the water they can be rescued; they once heard of lifeguards before they began this dismal journey. Right foot, then left. They walk along the pier, the never ending planks, invisible to one another. They are not selfish, they are trapped.

There is so much fear building in me.  My heart can't seem to take it anymore.  The excitement is passing and the dream fading.  The fear, my impending failures, hold me hostage in this personal prison I've created.  I try to break free... I try!  But my comfort rests between the sheets of my bed, eyes closed, snoring commenced.  I feel safe there, but as my mother once told me, "You can't always escape to your bed."  Things feel tough right now, they feel heavy.  I miss that excited girl inside me; the one who can't wait for school to being because it's something to be working towards, something to accomplish, something she was ready for.  But being trapped in this fear is squelching her.  I am trying to plod ahead without her, but something is gut-wrenching within.  I feel as if I'm mourning, but can't figure out what I've lost.  I sound so melodramatic!  I shall end this by saying, I have hope she will return to me, that she will find a way to be excited about life again.  My head may hang low, but my heart beats on.

Something to keep you going

I found this amazing graphic and it had these words on it, "You're Smart. You're funny. You're beautiful." Something I've been trying to remember and take heart in lately.

One Step Forward, No Stepping Back

Where to begin?  How about with this, I'm happy.  I asked a friend's opinion on what to do about Amsterdam and all the other options ahead of me... and here's what she said, "I think you should go back to school, get your degree, and save up and then go to Amsterdam!"  I looked into opportunities to do mission work there, and heard back from The Shelter.  Turns out they have openings for internships.  Here's the funny twist, I went to just check into going back to school (for the third time), and I found out my school offers a major in Studies in Christian Ministries.  Since I'm already at Junior level classes, I can jump right into the major and get a minor in Psychology.  Best part, there's a religion internship through school, which means.... AMSTERDAM!  It's a real possibility and I can get school credit for it!  I'm so thrilled!  It's a total God thing, Him putting this all together.  Now I just need to do well in school and really focus on what matters most!  I'm just so thrilled for this all to have come together.  So much do I praise Him!  Thank you Lord!

(Current Music: Holly Conlan)

What are your plans?

My dearest Lord,

I have these questions for you that only you can answer.  But at the root of them all is this, "What is your will, and how do I fit into that?"  I guess I just have to remember that I may not get a clear answer, but there are doors open all over the place; so many opportunities.  I will walk towards the doors that are open and see which you close.  And that I am satisfied with!  Thank you for my yearning to move forward and my contentment where you are taking me!

I love you!

-CJB

Edit

I don't know what to think right now.  I still want to go to Amsterdam more that I can express, but right now it just seems so far away.  The question on my mind right now: "Is God editing my plans according to his will?"  It has been about 9 months at my current church, a church geared towards Urban Missions.  I am just throwing it out there, this may be where I'm supposed to be headed, not Europe.  However, I have a heart for Europe, but that doesn't mean I need to be there right now.  Maybe I could do three months in Amsterdam before coming home to Urban Missions.  We'll see what the future holds as time continues on.  Just throwing out the idea of change.  Sometimes writing it out makes it less scary than it is in my mind.