A little something from my darker days:

They all walk on the pier, invisible to one another. Heads sunk, they catch glimpses of the raging water below and wish to dare to feel as powerful as the tide. Tingles surge through them when the invisible try to bring them back, yet they only stop momentarily confused and continue, body returning to numb. Their secret desire is to slip through the boards of the pier, for in the water they can be rescued; they once heard of lifeguards before they began this dismal journey. Right foot, then left. They walk along the pier, the never ending planks, invisible to one another. They are not selfish, they are trapped.

There is so much fear building in me.  My heart can't seem to take it anymore.  The excitement is passing and the dream fading.  The fear, my impending failures, hold me hostage in this personal prison I've created.  I try to break free... I try!  But my comfort rests between the sheets of my bed, eyes closed, snoring commenced.  I feel safe there, but as my mother once told me, "You can't always escape to your bed."  Things feel tough right now, they feel heavy.  I miss that excited girl inside me; the one who can't wait for school to being because it's something to be working towards, something to accomplish, something she was ready for.  But being trapped in this fear is squelching her.  I am trying to plod ahead without her, but something is gut-wrenching within.  I feel as if I'm mourning, but can't figure out what I've lost.  I sound so melodramatic!  I shall end this by saying, I have hope she will return to me, that she will find a way to be excited about life again.  My head may hang low, but my heart beats on.

Something to keep you going

I found this amazing graphic and it had these words on it, "You're Smart. You're funny. You're beautiful." Something I've been trying to remember and take heart in lately.

One Step Forward, No Stepping Back

Where to begin?  How about with this, I'm happy.  I asked a friend's opinion on what to do about Amsterdam and all the other options ahead of me... and here's what she said, "I think you should go back to school, get your degree, and save up and then go to Amsterdam!"  I looked into opportunities to do mission work there, and heard back from The Shelter.  Turns out they have openings for internships.  Here's the funny twist, I went to just check into going back to school (for the third time), and I found out my school offers a major in Studies in Christian Ministries.  Since I'm already at Junior level classes, I can jump right into the major and get a minor in Psychology.  Best part, there's a religion internship through school, which means.... AMSTERDAM!  It's a real possibility and I can get school credit for it!  I'm so thrilled!  It's a total God thing, Him putting this all together.  Now I just need to do well in school and really focus on what matters most!  I'm just so thrilled for this all to have come together.  So much do I praise Him!  Thank you Lord!

(Current Music: Holly Conlan)